Seven Tips for Supporting a Friend who is Estranged from Their Family
Estrangement is a lot more common than you may think, and you almost definitely know someone navigating estrangement (whether or not you realize it). This article provides a quick framework to help you understand some of what makes estrangement tough, and identifies seven concrete ways that you can support those in your life who are navigating estrangement.
Why Estrangement is so tough:
The reason for the estrangement itself: Generally, people do not choose estrangement lightly. It is often reflective of long-term conflict or traumatic events, such as sexual or physical abuse, neglect, familial mental health issues, unhealthy and hurtful communication patterns, emotional abuse etc.
Stigma and Guilt: In a 2015 report Hidden Voices: Family Estrangement in Adulthood, 68% of adults estranged from one or more members in their families believe that there is stigma around family estrangement. Even when reporting that estrangement is the healthiest choice, most people cited fears of judgement and assumptions of fault/blame as a source of shame.
Family estrangement is not commonly recognized as a loss: Many specialists consider estrangement a “silent epidemic,” as it is not often discussed openly. Because of this, many navigating estrangement may receive little acknowledgement of the loss they may be feeling.
So, how can you support someone in your life who is dealing with estrangement? Great question!
Remember them during holiday seasons: Birthdays and holidays can often be a challenging time for people who are estranged from their families. Holiday seasons often emphasize family togetherness and connection, which can serve as a painful reminder for those who don’t have those connections. If you can, send your friends a message on holidays to let them know that you’re thinking about them, coordinate a friends holiday party, or invite them to celebrate with you.
Remind them that they’re loved: Sometimes, those who are estranged from their families struggle with shame and stigma around not having family. While they may intellectually know they’re loveable - they may feel deep pain around not having love from family members in the ways that they want and need. We all like to know that we’re loved and seen by those who we care about - and your friend who is estranged from their family is no exception. There is never a bad time to send your friend a message to let them know that you care about them.
Don’t push reconciliation/Respect Their Reasons: Estrangement is not a decision that is easily made, and there is almost definitely more to the story than you may be aware of. Whether or not you fully understand why someone is estranged from their family is not important. It is, however, important that you don’t push your own ideas on your friend about what “should” happen with their family. Pushing reconciliation will just lead them to feel unheard, dismissed, or shamed. Please assume that your friend put a lot of thought into this decision, and please know that being no contact IS sometimes the best outcome. They need you to respect this decision, not question it.
Listen to their grief: Listen to your friend talk about their feelings about being disconnected from their family. Remember that sadness about the disconnect does not indicate that they should try to reconnect. Reflect back what you hear, and just try to listen: “That sounds so hard.” Or “I’m so sorry that you’re hurting, I’m happy to listen.”
Don’t walk on eggshells about your own family: You’re allowed to have a happy family, even if your friend doesn’t! Chances are good that they don’t want you to censor sharing that with them. You’re allowed to be annoyed with your family members, and allowed to be happy with them! You don’t have to censor with your friend who is estranged.
Avoid “if it makes you feel better” or “at least you…” Often, well meaning friends might remark that the friend who is estranged from their family is “lucky” because they don’t have to deal with family drama. Or, they may remark “If it makes you feel better, my mom/uncle/grandma…” However, these types of statements are rarely helpful. Chances are almost guaranteed that it does not make the person who is estranged feel any better. There may be times that someone who is estranged from their family does feel relief around not having family to navigate, but these types of comments will likely be perceived as dismissive rather than helpful.
Relieve yourself of feeling responsible for solving the issue: If you’re listening to a friend talk about estrangement, you may feel sadness, especially if you find great joy and comfort in your own family. Sometimes, this sadness can lead people to feel like they want to try to “solve” the issue by either pushing reconciliation or trying to problem-solve the issue with their friend who is estranged. Unless your friend specifically asks you to engage in problem-solving with them, go ahead and relieve yourself of the responsibility of fixing their estrangement. They’ve likely been dealing with their family struggles for a while, and it is important that your friend doesn’t feel like they need to manage your sad feelings about their family situation. Just be with them and listen - that is enough. The most helpful things that you can do are to show up, check-in, listen, validate, and not question the decision.
Finally, thank you for your interest in supporting your friends who are navigating challenging family situations! Questions? Reach out!